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Is Co-Parenting With A Narcissist Possible?
A narcissist doesn’t walk around with a sign that says “all I care about is my ego” instead, they are charming, they listen keenly as you bare your soul to them. They convince you that everything you want they can provide and that your happy ever after will only be complete if you shut everyone else out and entrust them with your plans, feelings and even children.
Unfortunately, as time goes by you assume that you can change them, you wonder why they are so cold, so withdrawn, so manipulative and eventually you learn that you’re working with someone who is the least empathetic person you’ve ever met, you’ve met a person with the ugliest heart and doesn’t care about anything unless it benefits them.
There are different types of narcissists but the general definition according to WebMD narcissism is extreme self-involvement to the degree that it makes a person ignore the needs of those around them.
If all this sounds familiar then you’re reading the right article. Co-parenting with a narcissistic person is in my opinion not possible. Successful co-parenting involves rules, cooperation, respect, love, sacrifice and a lot of selflessness, all of which are traits that narcissists don’t have unless it’s on their own terms.
What happens when you attempt to co-parent with a narcissist?
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Let’s start with a story about Jane(not her real name) Jane got pregnant with who she thought was her prince charming, her ex-boyfriend would probe her to have a child and at only 23 she thought that she was ready to be a mother as long as Ben was with her, the first few months into her pregnancy were heavenly, they looked through names together, chose the hospital and everything seemed ok until it wasn’t.
During her pregnancy Jane discovered that Ben had a number of women, one reached out to her on Instagram and told her that Ben was abusive physically and emotionally, she argued and defended her dear Ben and when she confronted him about it he blamed Jane for entertaining such a conversation and made her believe that she was insane, Ben gaslighted her, he made her question her own reality.
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Fast forward and Jane’s reality is trying to get Ben to stick to their co-parenting routine, he occasionally picks their son up but refuses to stick to the routine that Jane worked hard to create because every child needs a routine, if he’s upset with Jane he’ll keep their son for a longer time and occasionally will hurl insults at her by calling her fat and a good for nothing.
Jane describes the process as suffocating, she only learned that Ben was indeed a narcissist when she gave birth and he left most things for her to do, she felt like she was parenting two people at the same time, only that her child was innocent and definitely didn’t have any plans to harm her. Ben on the other hand knew that Jane finally knew who he was, a cruel, heartless man that only wanted to use their child as a way of holding on to her and was just another pawn in his games.
However, proving to a court that a parent is narcissistic is nearly impossible unless there’s evidence of actual harm, proving emotional damage is challenging especially because the narcissist will make sure that he doesn’t leave a trail of evidence for you to dissect in a courtroom, so what do you do when you have to co-parent with a narcissist? understand that it will not be co-parenting but parallel parenting.
What is parallel parenting?
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Parallel parenting is a type of co-parenting in which, when the kids are with each parent, they use their own parenting style. In parallel parenting, parents don’t go to the same outings, gatherings, or doctor’s appointments that their kids do. Email, text messages or a co-parenting app are frequently the only forms of communication used in parallel parenting.
What are the cons of co-parenting with a narcissist?
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1. Your children’s needs won’t be a priority
Narcissistic individuals almost always prioritize their own needs. This means that they might disregard your wishes if it inconveniences them or comes in the way of their own needs, wants, or emotions. They might also test your boundaries.
Children thrive on routine and if you’re the one who has created the routine then the narcissist might be unwilling to adhere just because you created it. They don’t look at how their actions affect the kids, they have no issue storming off and creating drama in front of the child/ren. You’ll find that you’re the one who compromises and sacrifices a lot so that he’s able to spend some time with his kids.
2. They hardly ever accept any criticism
If you like walking on eggshells then be ready to walk on eggshells and crack more than 1 every time you share any criticism. Criticism of a person with NPD often feels like you’re attacking them, they may raise their voice, get feisty or even use the silent treatment if you dare try to bring any issues up with them. Ironically, they love dishing out feedback, they’ll remind you about all the things you’re not doing even if they rarely see the kids.
3. They will always smear your name
Narcissistic co-parents always go on a smearing campaign, this campaign is to let everyone know that you’re the bad guy. You see to them they think they are always right, so how dare you question the wisest oracle?
They might also parentless formally or strictly than you do in an effort to come across as the “fun” parent and win your children’s respect and affection. They also constantly love bomb the kids with over-the-top gifts but when it comes to buying or paying bills for the kids is where they draw the line.
Additionally, they might not care how this makes you appear to your children because they have a tendency to have little empathy.
4. They may try to manipulate you or the kids
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Are you ready to start having uncomfortable conversations with your children? conversations about your past? and probably even lies said about you?
One of the major problems a family suffers when one of the parents exhibits these narcissistic qualities is that they will take advantage of the other parent or the kids to get what they want.
For example: “They might coerce the other parent to comply with their demands so they won’t have to put them down or face criticism in front of the children. The impact on the kids and how they view their parents can be significant.
Additionally, they may try to punish your children for disobeying them or defying their authority or use their love and affection only as conditional rewards.
5. Be ready for anxiety…a lot of it
Working with someone who has NPD traits is tiring. It will always feel like you’re hitting a dead end and even when you think you’re making headway you’ll be surprised to find out that it was an attempt to get on your good side and then play you again. Every time you bring in new rules or boundaries prepare yourself for “punishments” the narcissist will always try to get back at you either by withholding finances, refusing to pick up the kids or telling the kids bad things about you, you’re never entirely sure of their next move and this will exhaust you.
So, how do you attempt to parallel parent with a narcissist(because there’s nothing like co-parenting)?
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1. Get legal documentation
To guarantee that the limits you set for yourself and your children can be upheld legally, it’s critical to be clear about who has custody of the children and what behaviors you’re OK and not OK with. You must create a strong parenting plan and make sure that anything you and your co-parent decide is documented in order to successfully co-parent with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits.
Handling a narcissist without any legal intervention may be very hard and to an extent even dangerous. Get a lawyer to hash out co-parenting schedules and legal agreements on religion, education, medical decisions, visitation, holidays and finances. The legally binding document should be filed in court and if the narcissistic parent is in contempt you can choose to go to court and argue your case for sole custody.
2. Maintain your emotions around them even if it’s hard
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People with NPD or narcissistic features frequently try to elicit a response from others. Do not express your emotions or divulge any intimate information; instead, keep the conversation professional and just use “matter-of-fact” language. More importantly, you no longer need to feel forced or committed to submit yourself to manipulation, abuse, and selfish acts. You are no longer responsible for pampering and caring for your ex.
3. Keep your children away from conflict and negativity
Try to keep your children out of any arguments or conflicts you have with your co-parent. This means that wherever possible, you should have difficult conversations away from your child.
Even if your co-parent criticizes you, try to avoid responding because name-calling or shouting just involves your kids in the conflict and could have long-term bad effects on them.
4. You have to be a parent that is compassionate
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While you have no control over the actions of your co-parent, you do have control over how you raise your children and showing them compassion, kindness, and empathy will go a long way. Try to shield them from negativity and maintain a calm home environment, advises Carnesecchi. “Build a warm, secure home. Giving your child a sense of security and confidence does not require having two parents.
Research has shown that kids who have parents with NPD may struggle with their own sense of self-worth and are more likely to face mental health or psychiatric problems as adults. In order to lead from a place of empathy and compassion, do your best to be a positive role model.
5. Think about seeking out individual or family therapy
It’s acceptable to ask for assistance if you’re finding it tough to handle the difficulties co-parenting has brought about. To assist you in figuring out how to deal with this challenging circumstance, a licensed therapist can work one-on-one with you.
Additionally, you might think about joining a narcissistic abuse recovery support group online or a support group for separated or divorced parents. If you believe your kids are struggling with the new parenting style, you can send them to a therapist, or if you feel it’s appropriate, find a family therapist who will see you and your child together.
So, what happens if you really feel like you can’t try to parent with this person?
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In actuality, co-parenting with someone who has NPD or extreme narcissistic features may not always be possible. The methods I have mentioned above will not work if your ex ever starts to physically or emotionally abuse you. To keep your children safe, the only solution is to take them out of your ex-custody.
If narcissistic tendencies or NPD is not controlled and start to have a negative impact on a child’s physical or emotional well-being, the parent may lose custody of their child and this can only happen if you’re brave enough to go to court, it will not be an easy decision to make but it will be worth it in the end, because if the narc thinks you’re weak then that will be the biggest mistake.
